Friday, 18 May 2012


I have far, far too many things to worry about.

A2 Exams: 
Pretty self explanatory, really. Made worse by my total and persistant ineptitude with 'Exam Technique'. For two of the subjects I'm taking, passing the exam is very dependant on writing in the way the exam board want, and I've never really managed to work out how to do that. In class practices, I'm the person who explains instead of contrasts and loses tons of marks as a result, and every year worry I won't be able to remedy that for the exams.

Financing College next year: 
I won't be getting EMA next year, and it's only just dawning on me how hard it's going to be to afford food and transport if I can't get a job by Autumn. My family's financial situation isn't brilliant as it is, especially now with my brother starting a vocational college course that needs tons of special equipment, and I hate the idea of making it worse. For the record, this won't spell disaster- worst case scenario is that I have to bring all food from home and only use the college bus (even if that means waiting around at college all afternoon), but it's a situation I'd like to avoid.

Getting a job: 
Recently I've realised that I've been putting jobseeking off due to anxiety surrounding employment. Why am I anxious? I have no clue, but needless to say, I need to learn not to be pretty quickly, especially as I've been feeling lately that my family's finacial worries are something I really ought to be helping with.

Sorting University:
From July onwards, I'm going to have to start trying to make friends with the dreaded UCAS. UCAS likes making people jump through hoops. Also, heavy student loans: I need one, but I really, really don't want one.

World Pride:
Although I've been planning on marching with AVEN since last year, I'm still very nervous at the prospect of going. Why? I'm not sure- the more I think about it the less there is to be worried about. I know my way around the underground, I have the money, and everything else can be sorted easily enough. Nonetheless, I often feel as though I'm only definitely going to this because I know I'll regret it for all eternity if I don't.

Explaining above to parents: 
I've been to London alone before, but knowing my parents, that won't stop the almost inevitable "That's not safe" argument. I'm also semi-expecting a "What on Earth do you want to go to that for" argument, a "What about future employers?" argument, and/or a "Those things are bloody stupid" argument, possibly even a "Will you just drop this silly 'asexual' business?" argument.  worst thing about this is that I'm not sure I could answer back to a few of these- particularly 'why do you want to go'. Right now, my choices are either be honest and argue, lie, or try to sneak out of the house at 6 AM on the seventh and not tell anyone where I am until I'm on the train. None of these are especially appealing.

Cruxshadows Gig:
A lot of people complain about not knowing any local goths. For me, the problem is slightly worse. I do know a couple of local goths, but I don't feel especially comfortable around them. Now, there's every chance this has more to do with me than it does with them- I do have trouble trusting people and I'm quite prone to seeing animosity where there isn't any- but the prospect of walking into a room convinced that the only people who recognise me look down on me isn't a very welcoming one, especially when one of those people seems to be pretty well established. Like AVEN, my decision to go to CXS at the Talking Heads was based on knowing I'd regret it if I didn't: Right now, I'm struggling to drum up enthusiasm.

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Day 25: Did you ever consider leaving the subculture?:

I've often wondered whether calling myself 'Goth' was a good idea or not. Truth be told, I only really use it as shorthand. I fit the definition well enough to consider myself Goth, and being able to answer "Are you Goth" with "yes" is far more convenient than the "Well, kind of, I mean, I take influence from Goth, but I don't really class myself as anything" ramble I used to have to go off on. Yes, sometimes I worry that I don't really fit, but the way I see, it's a word that defines me only loosely, not a doctrine I have to stick to. For now, I'm happy using it.